Procrastination.

Yesterday I went to counseling and was talking about my crazy weekend and how I said all it takes is one day to make the difference. Then we talked about how I had missed like a week's worth of classes. Well he then applied the one day thing to procrastination, which I will admit I have a major problem with. And we made some goals that I could complete to get caught up with my school work. My counselor is a genius to put it that way. So now I am fighting off procrastination and trying to make my life better by making SMART goals.

So SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timed goals. So it is sometimes hard for people to complete goals because they make them unrealistic and they don't put limits on them. For instance if you wanted to go down 10 dress sizes in 4 months. This is an unrealistic goal. I also think you need to come up with ways to complete your goals.

Goal #1: I will make up my 3 assignments in British Lit by the end of the weekend.

•  Copy Make up assignments on Friday(today).
• Work in the mornings to complete at least 1.5 assignments a day.

 Goal #2: I will take better care of myself in the next 2 months (Lose 8lbs) .

• Eat healthier( More fruits and veggies, leaner meat, and less soda)
• Exercise More. ( Walk to class at least 3 times a week, do palates at least 2 times a week and 1 day of cardio.)

Goal #3: I will take better care of myself Spiritually in the next week.

• Take the time to enjoy the world around me.
• Read my Text 
• Do some energy work.

I think that these two goals are attainable and give me lots of room to move around. Losing 8lbs in 2 months is a little daunting but that is a pound a week and I think I can do it. At the end of  my specified time I can go back and see if this was true and make new goals. Good goals are what helps us make improvements that we want to see in our selves over time without the fear of failure.

Quote of the Day: “Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try." -Anonymous

Wonderful Weekend

I just got back from spending a wonderful weekend at a friend's house. We talked and got caught up, drank margaritas, played cribbage and had a wonderful time. Now its down to brass tax. I Have a list of homework to get done for this week, as well as finding a job and trying to earn a little money to buy tires for my truck. Aww.... the world goes round and we just keep spinning with it.

Wiped out

I feel wiped after everything that happened last weekend. Mom kept asking me if I was OK and I don't know if I am. Is it bad to still feel in shock after a few days? I just don't know how I feel about it. On one hand I used to be a cutter, and I have seriously thought about suicide. I guess it is just being faced with what I could have been that freaks me out a little. I will be the first to say that cutting is a bad habit, and one that I am not proud of. I will even say it is super dangerous. But I can also say that I understand what it's like to need to feel something even if it is pain. Even now after years I still feel those old familiar tinglings when I get super stressed.

This just gives me pause to think about what it would be like if I hadn't decided to stop. If I hadn't decided to get help. It makes me sad to think that I could have put people through. What I did put people through. I makes me sad but I did stop and it was hard. Possibly the hardest thing I have ever done but I did.

My advice for anyone that is a cutter is to stop. Only you can stop yourself. Once you make that first step it can only get better. One day is a great accomplishment. Two days is fantastic... and soon days turn into weeks, weeks to months and months into years, and one day you might look back and realize that it's been 9 years and there is nothing better than that feeling.

Life and Complacency.

This weekend has been a very.. traumatic one at the very least. Sadly I can't say that it was a great weekend that I would like to repeat because I would rather not. I went to my sister's and the weekend started out fine. I ran into the same problems as usual, mainly finding a place to sleep that wasn't going to kill me. Then Saturday rolled around and everything started to go down hill fast.

BEWARE BEYOND THIS POINT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE... THE ACCOUNT WRITTEN HERE IS A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND MAY INCLUDE BLOOD, VIOLENCE, AND EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.

The downstairs neighbor, we'll call her crazy, has flipped out on other occasions. Every weekend or so for the last three weeks. So Crazy is a 25 or 26 year old female who recently had her kids completely taken away. On Saturday night she corralled my sister and her friend in her apartment and would not let them go. Then she proceeded to go on and show them where she had been cutting. I went down and tried to get them but she wouldn't answer the door and just after I came down my sister's mom came down. So Crazy let all the kids go but wouldn't let Mom back upstairs and kept yelling at her. So mom sat down in her chair and we called the police. Between the time the police got there and the time that they were called Crazy went back into her apartment and got a knife and was sitting outside slashing open her wrists and stabbing herself in the arm. Just before the police came she ran into her house where she had to be tazered, in her kitchen.

After been carted away my sister and I washed away all the blood from the concrete and then cleaned the blood up on her linoleum floors. Crazy was taken to a hospital to treat her wounds and was released into the custody of her mother the next day.

Please if you are feeling suicidal get help. You can call the suicide hotline at 1800 suicide.

Updates and Outdates.

So I have been working for a while and while I still think it blows I am appreciative to have a job and now Food Stamps. I have a new roommate who I like. She is uber religious but a fabulous cook and an interesting person to boot. I have been working a little bit on my writing but it really isn't going anywhere. Well it will but I have been working so much I really don't have tons of time to spend on it. So it is going but slowly.

My plans for yesterday and today and tomorrow have been foiled yet again by work. It is okay because I know that I have 3 days off next week in which I am probably going home. Maybe, it is tentative at this point. I just signed my award letter for next year so Yay me I has money for school next year!

Things I am thinking about doing at this point are 1) Study abroad- London  2) Planning a trip to Silver falls like after the 5th.

Another day in Paradise

Today I am very tired I work nights but last night was especially bad. I think I am having major allergies and one of the women in one of the cubical pods I was cleaning got some stargazer lilies, which of course made my allergies go out of control and I could smell them 5 pods away. Not what I really wanted to talk about. I actually wanted to tell you about how I think I woke up my neighbors at 4am.

So like I said I work nights. I get off at 4 and get home at like 430. It was suppose to get up to 94 today where I live and I can't sleep in the heat. Luckily I just got back from my parent's house where my step dad gave me their small ac. So at 430 I was putting it into my bedroom window. I could hear them waking up and such when I was completing my task.

Why, you may ask, is this so funny? To answer this question I have to tell you another story. I know I am odd and that I keep weird hours. I knock down weeds in my back yard in the evening when it is cooler. The other day I was doing just this and dead heading my roses cause I am thinking about doing something amazing with my tiny back yard. While I was gardening my neighbor, whose window looks into my back yard, was watching me. Not doing dishes, not getting a glass of water, watching me intently while I was dead heading my roses, listening to music and earlier while I was weeding. Can you be any more creepy?! Therefore I think that it is justified for me to wake his creepy ass up at 430.

It was amazing to have the ac while I was sleeping.

And Life Continues

So I have lovely news and some not so lovely news. First I got a job! And tomorrow is pay day #2. Hopefully I will be going home to spend a little time with my mom. I keep having weird nightmares about not knowing where my family lives( they just moved).  Second, life is looking up a little. I am kinda getting attached to this guy that I am friends with but I don't know if we are just meeting casually or if we are actually a thing. It is confusing and I don't want to ask him but I don't know any other way. I don't want to get attached if we are just casual fun buddies because it would hurt me greatly if he were to leave. Ahh constant agonizing thought! Thrid, I seem to be getting along fine with my card shop friends. I am planning on joining this Magic thing called A .W .S .O .M .E  League which is where you join and get basic lands and like 3 booster packs. You anti and keep track of your wins and losses at the end of the set (M11 at the moment) when they make the next addition they have a party and they give out awards and all kinds of stuff. I am excited. I am also thinking of getting a "fat pack" or "intro set." I can't wait to get paid tomorrow.

On the other hand I have been off my anti depressants for a while to clear up my essential tremors. I am really depressed as well, I am alone. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about those things I know aren't right but I can't seem to clear my head of them. Sometimes I just don't know if I will be able to keep control of it all. I am trying to stay focused on those things, and people that have kept me here for so long, but it is hard to feel this kind of pain, and loneliness. These are familiar feeling but ones that I have not had to live with for a while. I will continue to do my yoga in the mornings and try to remember that this is a moment. I feel this way for the moment. I will try to keep it together but I just feel like I am in a fracturing bubble, and I can't stop it from cracking and breaking.