Updates and Outdates.

So I have been working for a while and while I still think it blows I am appreciative to have a job and now Food Stamps. I have a new roommate who I like. She is uber religious but a fabulous cook and an interesting person to boot. I have been working a little bit on my writing but it really isn't going anywhere. Well it will but I have been working so much I really don't have tons of time to spend on it. So it is going but slowly.

My plans for yesterday and today and tomorrow have been foiled yet again by work. It is okay because I know that I have 3 days off next week in which I am probably going home. Maybe, it is tentative at this point. I just signed my award letter for next year so Yay me I has money for school next year!

Things I am thinking about doing at this point are 1) Study abroad- London  2) Planning a trip to Silver falls like after the 5th.

Another day in Paradise

Today I am very tired I work nights but last night was especially bad. I think I am having major allergies and one of the women in one of the cubical pods I was cleaning got some stargazer lilies, which of course made my allergies go out of control and I could smell them 5 pods away. Not what I really wanted to talk about. I actually wanted to tell you about how I think I woke up my neighbors at 4am.

So like I said I work nights. I get off at 4 and get home at like 430. It was suppose to get up to 94 today where I live and I can't sleep in the heat. Luckily I just got back from my parent's house where my step dad gave me their small ac. So at 430 I was putting it into my bedroom window. I could hear them waking up and such when I was completing my task.

Why, you may ask, is this so funny? To answer this question I have to tell you another story. I know I am odd and that I keep weird hours. I knock down weeds in my back yard in the evening when it is cooler. The other day I was doing just this and dead heading my roses cause I am thinking about doing something amazing with my tiny back yard. While I was gardening my neighbor, whose window looks into my back yard, was watching me. Not doing dishes, not getting a glass of water, watching me intently while I was dead heading my roses, listening to music and earlier while I was weeding. Can you be any more creepy?! Therefore I think that it is justified for me to wake his creepy ass up at 430.

It was amazing to have the ac while I was sleeping.

And Life Continues

So I have lovely news and some not so lovely news. First I got a job! And tomorrow is pay day #2. Hopefully I will be going home to spend a little time with my mom. I keep having weird nightmares about not knowing where my family lives( they just moved).  Second, life is looking up a little. I am kinda getting attached to this guy that I am friends with but I don't know if we are just meeting casually or if we are actually a thing. It is confusing and I don't want to ask him but I don't know any other way. I don't want to get attached if we are just casual fun buddies because it would hurt me greatly if he were to leave. Ahh constant agonizing thought! Thrid, I seem to be getting along fine with my card shop friends. I am planning on joining this Magic thing called A .W .S .O .M .E  League which is where you join and get basic lands and like 3 booster packs. You anti and keep track of your wins and losses at the end of the set (M11 at the moment) when they make the next addition they have a party and they give out awards and all kinds of stuff. I am excited. I am also thinking of getting a "fat pack" or "intro set." I can't wait to get paid tomorrow.

On the other hand I have been off my anti depressants for a while to clear up my essential tremors. I am really depressed as well, I am alone. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about those things I know aren't right but I can't seem to clear my head of them. Sometimes I just don't know if I will be able to keep control of it all. I am trying to stay focused on those things, and people that have kept me here for so long, but it is hard to feel this kind of pain, and loneliness. These are familiar feeling but ones that I have not had to live with for a while. I will continue to do my yoga in the mornings and try to remember that this is a moment. I feel this way for the moment. I will try to keep it together but I just feel like I am in a fracturing bubble, and I can't stop it from cracking and breaking.

Updates!

School has ended on a sweet yet sour note. My grades were... alright. Not great but not horrible either. But now I am out and starting summer. My sisters have stayed a couple of times so I am not here alone. We have had a blast so far. I am hopefully going to start a job next week so that will be fun. Hopefully I can get some stuff taken care of like getting my phone turned back on and such. Any who that's my update.

Missing you consistantly

Every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of someone I know or have known. I realize that that sentence in it's self is a tangled web, but I miss the people that are closest to me in my life. My mom for instance. I am a college student that has for the past three years gone home to spend whole summers with her, and now for the first time I am living on my own. I miss her because every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of just how far away she is. And I am stuck because when I think of family I think of my Grandparents who have always encouraged me to be independent and am reminded that in the fall it will be one year since my Grandfather passed away.

I feel like there is so much sadness in my life that I just can't get past. I want to be free of it, but know that I never can be. There is such sorrow in words unsaid and covered with a mask of undying pain that it is just easier to put on a foundation of happiness so people won't worry and such. 

My life is back in failure

So today I called to see if I got a job and appearentally I didn't cause I was the second choice. My life sux and I can't get over this hump

My life is a giant fail!

I feel like my life is a giant fail. I feel depressed and sad and like there is nothing in life that I am good at. I suck at school, I suck at finding a job, I suck at cleaning, I suck at managing money, I suck at sleeping. I feel like crying but I just can't do it not because I don't want to but because I can't. I like living on my own but I can't seem to keep my money straight to pay all my bills I am like $200 overdrawn and I don't have a job, and no way to fix it. My life is a fail.